It a BIG BIG Hollywood Short-Haired Chick Friday!

Angelina Jolie. Short-haired Angelina Jolie.

I never wanted to like Angelina Jolie because I'm a contrarian. She's popular. I don't like her. Plus, who cares? I don't like being a contrarian because it blocks me off from all kinds of great cultural movements, and I love cultural movements. So there's a contradiction, and I'm trying to get better by pretending I'm still 20.

Angelina is immensly popular and much talked about, the press has always covered what dick she's taking in her vagina this week so that makes me contrarian, I don't like her and I don't like Brad because I have to hear about them all the time. Plus, who cares?

But here's the thing about Angelina. She's a real movie STAR. Capital S capital T capital A capital R. Because despite how much I want no not like her, I DO. I completely buy it. I buy her, I buy Brad, and most of all I buy Mr. & Mrs. Smith because it's a great film. But hey if you found out Mission Impossible III was a great movie, like Usual Suspects great, 6th Sense great, would you go see it? Fuck no, because of Tom Cruise, he's no longer a movie star.

But no matter how sick I was of Bradgelina (which is what six-year-olds call them because they're six), I was SO THERE! That amount of publicity that makes me hate them because I'm a contrarian did not make me not want to go. And once there did not care that they were having great beautiful people sex during the shoot, I just enjoyed their very charming movie star performances.

Movie stars are larger than life anyway, but their affairs are larger than life and acceptable. Your neighbor has an affair, what an asshole, Brad Pitt does and, what a man. I was too young to be a part of the classic on-set affairs that made headlines worldwide like Steve McQueen and Ali MacGraw, or Stevali McQraw as they would've been dubbed had the 70's media been advanced anough. I wasn't around for Elizabechard Taylurton nor Spencryn Heptracy as our advanced futuristic more intelligent media might have spun it. But I got a lot of glee at being in the middle of one of these affairs in our generation. It's real Hollywood stuff, because they are real Hollywood stars.

Unlike Ben Affleck, remember him? Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting? No, the other one. Nothing? Well anyway, he flirted with this classic Hollywood voyeurism with Jennifer Lopez. Singer? Money Train? Nothing? Well anyway that's how we got the need to combine star names for extra media fun. Bennifer, BenLo, StupidStupid. It must have pissed them off when he went and married someone with the same first name. Damn, it's Bennifer again. Bennifer Barner, Biegfried & Broy.

Brad, I can't believe the most famous man in America's named Brad. Brad's so...Brad. Brad Dunn. Come on.

So I like Angelina, I want to not think she's gorgeous because she's so famously known for being gorgeous, but she is. And she was a damn good looking short-haired chick before she became all "pointy" as Kate puts it. Hackers Angelina.

Okay, premise accomplished, let's get dirty.

Is your boss around?

Go check. Short-Haired-Chick-Friday will not be held responsible for your losing your IT job at Allstate.

Okay. Here we go.